Taken Out of Context

I've decided to keep track of some of the outrageous phrases I catch while going through this strange daily life of mine. I had planned, at first, to simply throw the quotes into a blog and let you all wonder what the hell was going on, but I suppose you all might appreciate some context. 


"Where are my lesbian shoes?"

This was a recent quote from a member of my family from which you probably would not have expected. And I'm going to leave this one at that...

"Oh, Monkeypants!"

 Quoted from my English prof in the midst of her latest "let's have a movie day" fail. (Humanities profs should not be allowed access to complicated technology). It's not even a phrase that she uses often since this is the first time I heard her yell it. Perhaps I'm only finding it hilarious because it occurred during an 8 AM class...

"I'm gonna go get the sheep blood out of my pants."

This does not correspond to as morbid a situation as you may think. Apparently it had something to do with my sister's recent school-directed dissection gone wrong. (At least that's what I'm choosing to believe.)

"If I shove you down in a well with smooth sides, there's no way you're getting out."

Physics teachers have the most screwed up analogies of any of their fellow educators. This comes as a close second to the time my Physics 20 teacher taught my class about Newton's Third Law by telling us to imagine what would happen if we kicked a small child on an ice rink.

"Hats off to the guys who practice meditation while they’ve got thermometers up their bums."

Incidentally, this was from another professor. Psychology, this time. Apparently it was important to measure rectal temperatures of meditation practitioners for a certain psychology study. (Don't ask me what the results were.)

"You're not cutting your nose hair with those, are you?"

Honestly, I heard this last night but I have no idea what or to whom the speaker was referring. All I know is that mother sounded rather shocked about whatever nasal activities were taking place and that I was not about to investigate.

Sometimes we just don't realize exactly how ridiculous our world is unless we're consciously paying attention to a specific element of its "charm". This was my experiment of the week; I hope you're not too badly scarred.

This family..

My mom and I are having a conversation on my facebook wall. We're also sitting two feet away from each other. Oh, technology.

 Speaking of which, mom just about unintentionally facepalmed herself with her laptop screen after an intense laughing fit from looking at this photo. (I'm not responsible for any injuries you may have suffered as a result of looking at that.)

It probably didn't help that she had just spent the past few minutes digging through my sister's hilarious vault of tweets. That kid is the hashtag master. Seriously. @Maddiedee12

You're gonna want to follow her.

Not literally.

That's creepy.

Stalker.

Somebody Made Soup, And Then We Ate It

To appease the naggers out there who really want a freaking blog entry, ta daaa. Here it is.

Soup was eaten for breakfast by half the family today. Surprise, surprise. The rest of us ate yogurt, like normal people. When mother started choking on her soup, I felt assured that I had made the correct breakfast choice.

In other news, I think it's time to talk about some recent random happenings in my life since there's only so much one can write about breakfast. To be honest, I think I may have reached that point.

Anyway, I found myself unintentionally manning an AIDS awareness booth on my university's campus yesterday. Yep, I was that chick sitting behind the table making people feel silently judged as they dipped their hands into the "Free Condoms" bowl before quickly running away. I hadn't planned on that being a part of my day but when the person you're interviewing for a news article has to go to the bathroom, what are you supposed to do?

In addition to that, I've decided I may need to avoid the new local WalMart as much as possible. Before I had even entered the door, I had already been approached by a pan handler. Once I finally made it inside, I was immediately subjected to the life story of a lady who didn't care that I wanted to look at cook books. I hadn't even made eye contact when she deemed it important to describe her church life and how her pastor is an auctioneer. Apparently, he talks really quickly. Who knew? Thankfully, my phone rang at that moment and mother saved me from a potentially awkward half hour of conversation with a stranger. The last straw was being unable to find the French-cut frozen peas.

I may never return.