Taken Out of Context

I've decided to keep track of some of the outrageous phrases I catch while going through this strange daily life of mine. I had planned, at first, to simply throw the quotes into a blog and let you all wonder what the hell was going on, but I suppose you all might appreciate some context. 


"Where are my lesbian shoes?"

This was a recent quote from a member of my family from which you probably would not have expected. And I'm going to leave this one at that...

"Oh, Monkeypants!"

 Quoted from my English prof in the midst of her latest "let's have a movie day" fail. (Humanities profs should not be allowed access to complicated technology). It's not even a phrase that she uses often since this is the first time I heard her yell it. Perhaps I'm only finding it hilarious because it occurred during an 8 AM class...

"I'm gonna go get the sheep blood out of my pants."

This does not correspond to as morbid a situation as you may think. Apparently it had something to do with my sister's recent school-directed dissection gone wrong. (At least that's what I'm choosing to believe.)

"If I shove you down in a well with smooth sides, there's no way you're getting out."

Physics teachers have the most screwed up analogies of any of their fellow educators. This comes as a close second to the time my Physics 20 teacher taught my class about Newton's Third Law by telling us to imagine what would happen if we kicked a small child on an ice rink.

"Hats off to the guys who practice meditation while they’ve got thermometers up their bums."

Incidentally, this was from another professor. Psychology, this time. Apparently it was important to measure rectal temperatures of meditation practitioners for a certain psychology study. (Don't ask me what the results were.)

"You're not cutting your nose hair with those, are you?"

Honestly, I heard this last night but I have no idea what or to whom the speaker was referring. All I know is that mother sounded rather shocked about whatever nasal activities were taking place and that I was not about to investigate.

Sometimes we just don't realize exactly how ridiculous our world is unless we're consciously paying attention to a specific element of its "charm". This was my experiment of the week; I hope you're not too badly scarred.